America needs a Sports Czar. And that Sports Czar should be me.
I can’t undo the mess at Penn State, but here are a few things that would get done in my first one hundred days.
Make it legal in football to hit any player who is celebrating. No rule against celebration, just that after the whistle you can still be hit if you are doing some kind of dance or other attention-craving activity.
If a sports venue is less than 60% full, it’s automatically festival seating for all ticket holders.
At all professional sporting events, a domestic draft beer in any size, shall not exceed five dollars. We are watching sports, not strippers. A cold beer at a reasonable price should be an inalienable right.
Mixed martial arts would be barred from all sports media. If Mike Vick can’t fight dogs, why do we let pay-per-view TV fight humans?
Institute European soccer style relegation to Major League Baseball. Baseball was at its best when there were sixteen teams in the league. We should revert to that model and force teams to compete to play at the highest level.
The NBA should have an end of season tournament for the last playoff spot. Teams 8-15 in each conference play a single elimination draw for the final spot. The sixteenth teams play each other with the winner getting the #1 draft pick.
Decrease the number of timeouts in every sport. Starting with football.
Relief pitchers shouldn’t be allowed to warm up. Only baseball makes us wait for a substitute to get ready to play. That’s what the bullpen’s for. You don’t see field goal kickers walk on the field and take 4 kicks before letting everybody know they are ready to play. If you enter the game while it is going on, you have to be ready to play.
College football playoff. Do away with conference schedules and organize in eight 8-team divisions. Selection committee determines the 64 teams, March Madness style. There will be seven regular season games against everybody in the division. The eight winners make the playoffs. Teams and divisions change every year.
No more third jerseys. Each team gets a home and an away jersey for the season. You want it to be retro, fine. You want it to be futuristic, fine. But whatever it is, you have to stick with it for the whole season. Quit scheming to sell more apparel.
Speaking of jerseys, no man over the age of 16 would be allowed to wear a jersey to the game. Jerseys are for the players and the kids who mistakenly idolize them. They are not for grown men.
There will be a similar rule on bringing gloves to a baseball game. Don’t do it. Don’t let your kid do it. The way to get a foul ball is to pick it up off the ground after it has hit some guy in his nachos.
Mr. Obama, I’m not sure that I could withstand the vetting process, but I am your guy. Let me put American sports back on the right track.
Follow David on Twitter @sportczar.