The following marked boxes accurately reflect the appropriate holiday sentiment for you:
Happy Holidays! Hope all is well with you and yours.
Season’s Greetings! Hoping your children’s demands upon Santa spur the economy and lower unemployment.
This is a commercial obligation because we may do business together or have some type of professional relationship where the sentiment is mostly thinking of the revenue stream you represent.
I haven’t seen you in ages, but I am guessing you are the same and I wonder how your loved ones put up with you.
This is a retaliatory card because you sent one to us right after Thanksgiving and you weren’t on our Xmas card database, so that’s why your address is hand-written.
This is an obligatory card because we haven’t seen each other in years but neither of us wants to be the first to stop sending, but maybe we should agree that we no longer care what our respective families look like.
Got your card. Your kids look great. Since it was only the kids, I am assuming that you are getting older, grayer, and heavier.
Jesus may be the reason for the season, but capitalism has sure given it a festive edge.
Despite the NBA lockout, we have somehow managed to enjoy the holiday season. If I win the neighborhood yard light competition, it will be a banner year.
We have decided to delay our holiday celebrations until there is peace in the Middle East or until we have a satisfactory means of crowning an NCAA football champion.
I apologize for including the dog in the family Christmas photo.
Merry fucking Christmas to you.
Feliz navidad. Quiero uno mas cerveza, por favor.
The holidays give us a great opportunity to think about how incredibly tenuous our personal and global existence is, and that you better enjoy it before it comes to a crashing halt.
The holiday season reminds me of all the great times we’ve had together and how I value your friendship … or at least don’t begrudge the 44-cent stamp for this card.
Have a Happy New Year! May all your Bowl teams cover the point spread.
*Disclaimer: The Anderson family had nothing to do with the concept, creation, or check-marking of this card. It was only David, and the family apologizes in advance to anyone who may be offended.
Photo by Ocatecir at en.wikipedia (camera: Nikon Corporation (Nikon D50)) [Public domain], from Wikimedia Commons.