What I should have said:
“Dude, women’s bodies were designed to do this. It is more natural than vomiting. If cavewomen had made that kind of racket, the echoing alone would have been so annoying they would have been thrown to the bears and mankind would be extinct, so don’t tell me that squalling like a bagpipe full of wet cats is part of the standard package.
“Now, I’ve been having contractions for the better part of fourteen hours already, doing all that proper breathing and relaxing and visualization crap, which means I’m half-hypnotized and can barely move my limbs. Have you ever heard one of those stories about how a quadriplegic can give birth? That’s what I’m aiming for, and it’s actually working, so step off my mellow groove because kicking you in the head would totally disturb the magical Zen reverie I’m cultivating here.”
What I said:
Nothing. I was having a contraction.
****
Photo by Inferis (http://www.flickr.com/photos/inferis/98747420/) [CC-BY-SA-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons.
