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This Week In Bullshit, 1/27/12

Planning my campaign for moon-colony president.


Created by God; to be colonized by Newt.

God. Where to start? Ah yes, the beginning: Genesis, friends—the Christian tale of amazing starts, persistent even now and maybe most so in Indiana public schools, where law may scrub discernment between method and madness. A senate bill that would allow schools “to require the teaching of various theories concerning the origin of life, including creation science” made it out of committee. And thus begins my campaign for adding Gisoolg and Odin and Spider Woman to the curriculum. If facts are out the window, why would I not look out and call my view Greece, my time 1,000 BCE?

Our Senate was busy this week. Knowing stuff about medicine or at least making rules for people who do. Like this one, which also made it out of committee this week and into my uterus. (As my own personal Jesus and true love Dan Savage would say [more or less]: When Republicans talk about small government, they just mean they want to be able to shove it into a vagina.) Thus practitioners of medicine may be required to prescribe RU-486 in a dose that has proven excessive for the job and more likely to cause side effects. They will be required also to examine a woman in person before giving her RU-486, provide written information about the physical risks of abortion and to schedule a follow-up ultrasound two weeks later. Isn’t there something useful our legislators could focus on? Something within their wheelhouse? Oh. Jesus H.

Let us turn to lighter matters. Pat Sajak and Vanna used to tank up before tapings: “We had endless time between shows. Our dinner breaks would be two-and-a-half hours long while they drove in new cars and boats and gazebos and stuff…So Vanna and I would go across and have two or three or six, and then come and do the last shows, and have trouble recognizing the alphabet.” Category: What Are You Doing? Answer: M _ K I N G L I K _ S M _ L L G O V _ R N M _ N T.

I’m not going to bother looking up Pat Sajak’s marital status, but if he were in fact attached during his Vanna/margarita days, he was putting his heart at risk. And potentially his throat. Say—and I’m not wishing this on Sajak; his snark is intoxicating—but say he did contract throat cancer from his pre-taping exploits; if his doctor gave him six months to live, he shouldn’t take it too seriously. Holy Johns Hopkins, why do they even do that? They must have some kind of complex.

Speaking of assumed infallibility, Newt Gingrich has cast himself as a Washington outsider and accused Mitt Romney of cynicism for expecting people not to look into his past. No, seriously. That’s happening. (So is a moon colony!) He is calling us stupid by calling us not stupid enough to fail to investigate Romney’s history. Look out the window. You seeing Greece?


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3 Responses to This Week In Bullshit, 1/27/12

  1. Kit says:

    Man, this week really was total bullshit. I knew it wasn’t just me.

  2. Troy says:

    Newt is a genius. Successful campaigning for green initiatives in the Republican party requires the ability to look concerned without actually having to commit to anything that could actually hinder the consumption of fossil fuel. What could be better than moon colonies? It has the whole “so crazy it just might work” feel that people disinterested in science and logic love so much and reminds everyone of Disney’s utopian Tomorrowland, c. 1970, not the Steampunk bullshit version they have there now. All that bulbous “copper” and “gold” gilt is so depressing. All it does is smack you with the reality that these days we can only imagine a future that holds no interest for anyone. Yeah, screw that. Give me Newt’s version-crisp, white petroleum-based vinyl with red and navy piping for accents.

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