What I Should Have Said: The Finger

“I returned a scathing screed, assuring the team the customer was irrational, calling her a ‘snatch’ for good measure. I hit Reply All, thinking I’d been forwarded the correspondence instead of cc’d.” That’s when a stranger graciously taught Camilla Griep how to avoid the classic “open mouth, insert foot” procedure.

To The Recipient Of An Unsolicited Mailer Offering Loan Packages At Exorbitant Interest Rates

“If you will hold one moment, sir, I will transfer you to our Quaker Specialist. If she doesn’t pick up, feel free to leave her a message.” It’s what Robert Morse should have said.

June 18, 2012
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To My Leasing Agent Who Sent Me This Email

“I’m not totally sure I understand how our ‘yard’ can be ‘too tall.’ Would that be because you couldn’t actually call it grass?” Jenny Walton‘s front lawn won’t be featured in Better Homes and Gardens anytime soon.

May 17, 2012
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To My Boyfriend After I Read His Journal

“However, when I do think back on mistakes I’ve made, there is one event that has always stood out to me: a small thing, but one that still irritates me.” It’s what Cynthia White should (or shouldn’t) have said.

April 10, 2012
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To The Woman On The Ledge

“She steps into the void, perhaps answering vertigo with a willing plunge. Her fall is not like a movie, where an actor tumbles end over end, screaming and perhaps flailing her arms as she falls. The woman in the blue dress just disappears.” What Rick Sapp should have said to the woman on the ledge.

March 27, 2012
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To The Old Man I Met At A Book Launch Event Who Asked Me What I Did For A Living And Then Proceeded To Tell Me How Much He Hated People That Sold Insurance, How They’re All Crooks And Then Demonstrated How He Would Hit Them With His Cane

What I should have said.

March 5, 2012
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To My Assistant Coach Mr. Zuber, Who Screamed, “You Could Have Been A Hero!” At Me In The Middle Of A Little League Game

“I caught the ball! I made the correct throw! Do you want me to be a mind reader too?”

February 27, 2012
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To The Lady Who Called The Desk To Ask If I Found A Pair Of Glasses And Then Proceeded, Multiple Times, To Describe What Glasses Are

“Hmm, two transparent prescription lenses in a frame with movable arms? Let’s see here, we have…”

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