Think you’ve got a rough Thanksgiving this year? Maybe so. But just look at everything one poor, round-headed kid had to deal with.
- Best friend’s sister thinks I’m the most stupid person alive.
- Miss football, fall flat on my back, and kill myself. Again.
- Traditions slowly fading away.
- Dog leaves the mailbox door open.
- I was expecting a turkey card.
- Holidays always depress me.
- Little sister’s trip to buy a turkey tree proved unrewarding, due to early overstocking of Christmas merchandise.
- She thinks she has to write an essay on Stanley Miles.
- She means Miles Standish.
- She can’t keep track of all those people.
- Thanksgiving Day is upon us—another holiday to worry about.
- Little sister hasn’t even finished Halloween candy yet!
- Know-it-all best friend (carries a blue blanket) has something wise to say.
- Little sister: “Isn’t he the cutest thing?”
- Idea of best friend and little sister holding hands under the table.
- Girl with green sandals (at best an acquaintance) won’t let me finish a sentence over the phone.
- She keeps calling me Chuck.
- “We’ll keep these intimate things to ourselves, okay, Chuck?”
- Girl with green sandals has invited self, plus “great kid Marcie” plus “Franklin” for Thanksgiving.
- I’m not even going to be home!
- Girl with green sandals will hate me for the rest of my life.
- Know-it-all best friend thinks the best solution is to have two dinners.
- All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.
- Know-it-all best friend has to add: “You can’t butter it.”
- Dog stuck in basketball net, garage door.
- Garage absolutely stuffed with junk.
- Little birdie squashed flat by basketball.
- Dog stuck in folding ping-pong table.
- Dog wastes full minute of prep time playing ping-pong.
- Dog wastes two full minutes of prep time fighting with beach chaise. Loses anyway.
- Main helper with food preparation? Same…aforementioned…dog.
- Last minute additions to toast/cereal menu include popcorn, jelly beans, pretzels.
- Little bird becomes trapped and disoriented under folded napkin. Dog doesn’t wash plate.
- Dog spends two full minutes on ridiculous pilgrim outfit for self and bird.
- Dog accidentally shoots self with pilgrim popgun.
- Now “great kid Marcie” is calling me Chuck.
- Franklin’s seating choice embarrassingly lower than everyone else’s.
- Know-it-all best friend doesn’t seem to know the difference between giving boring history lesson and saying grace.
- Dog “shuffles” toast before serving.
- Dog serves by hurling loaded plates in “Frisbee” style.
- Girl with green sandals unhappy with menu.
- Big consolation turns out to be lesson on “perspective”…”gratitude.” Oh, wow. Perfect.
- Girl with green sandals—real name Priscilla?—calls me “sly dog” just for shaking hands.
- My grandmother sounds like a trombone with cup mute on.
- Yeah, right. I’ll just bring everyone along for another Thanksgiving at Grandma’s house.
- Group sing-along in crowded station wagon is badly out-of-phase, and not in a cool, Steve Reich way.
- My grandmother lives in a condominium.
- Meanwhile, dog is probably having delicious traditional Thanksgiving with bird (and using power-tools in doghouse) behind my back.