Dear Mr. Walter Rhume,
I am very much interested in appearing as a minor character in one of your upcoming self-published pasta-based adventure novels. I believe I have the exact skill set, experience, and motivation to make a small impact upon the course of events affecting the journey of the book’s protagonist. I have read all of your books, with the exception of your first novel, Hangover Dragon, which of course is out of print and very difficult to find. Can you guess my favorite? It’s Ramen Hood—I just love the way the title character is so irresponsible with time travel but at the same time so nice to his friends. When I read your books, I say to myself, now that’s something I want to be a part of.
I am an honest, diligent worker, and I take direction well. If given the opportunity, I am confident that I could appear in three (3) to five (5) scenes of the novel and facilitate the hero’s growth in some way, be it great or small. Depending on the position available, I could be a friend or foe to the hero, aiding him/her (or it!) in some key way, or creating an obstacle to overcome. I am especially adept at giving advice, both good and bad. Here are some of the pieces of advice I’ve given in the past: “The Clam Chowder”; “Forget about her, man”; and, “See what you can get for it on E-Bay.”
I am willing to be written into a variety of situations, including physically demanding scenes, though I have little combat experience. If I were to appear in a fight scene, I believe I would best be used as a flailing body just on the fringe of action, shouting encouragements but not necessarily the center of attention. Up to you, of course. I understand that some conditioning for the role might be required, and I am not averse to either losing or gaining (preferable) up to fifteen (15) pounds. I can grow a long bushy beard, or I can shave my head. Put eyeliner on me and see how brooding I become (I’m thinking of Mr. Jabapuppee from Ziti Underbelly). These choices are all up to you.
Full disclosure: I have a gum condition that, I’ve been told, lends a certain profundity to romance scenes. However, this can also make things very splashy. FYI.
I am enigmatic; I rarely return phone calls. I am constantly late without a valid explanation, and my occasional absences refuse to be accounted for. Often the question is asked, “Where is that guy?” and hardly ever does anyone have the correct answer. I believe these are perfect qualities for one of your mysterious side characters (a la the Macaroni Man in your third novel, Whose Noodles Are These?). Even if they tried, your readers would not be able to put their finger on me. I understand that the position of “Hero” is also currently available for your next work, but the exact reasons listed above would make it very difficult for me to be counted upon to carry a novel as the central figure. I fear that your readers might weary of my flakiness, and seek a novel that features a central character who can be counted upon to intrigue on a regular basis, or at the very minimum, be present throughout the entire plot.
In summary, my past experiences with the sublime and my dedication to your work make me a perfect candidate for the open position of minor character. It would be a great pleasure to be written by the master of the pasta genre, Walter Rhume.
Question: do you type your novels, or write them out with a penne? Just kidding. I’d love a role, no matter how (ro)tini. This is all to say: I can do humor, too.
My Name Is Up To You!
Photo by cyclonebill (Nudler med surimi, forårsløg og sesam) [CC BY-SA 2.0], via Wikimedia Commons.