…Ah yes, another Da Vinci Code knock-off…The Goya Cryptography isn’t going to make it, in my opinion, but thanks for giving me a look-see…

…Thank you for sending the memoir about your grandfather, aka “Pop-Pop,” a man who, as you describe him, “always had a smile on his face and a twinkle in his eye.” I’m going to decline, but I wish you luck in finding a home for it with another agency. Failing that, you might consider one of the subsidy houses, since this kind of book would certainly be a hit with your friends and family…

…Judging by the synopsis, I would say that Your Doctor Is Killing You lacks evidence to support your claim that the medical profession is teeming with sadists…an encounter with one ham-handed proctologist does not make you an expert…

…Although I am mildly curious to know how one could sustain a reader’s interest in a novelization of Wheel of Fortune, I’ll take a flyer on this…

…The thesis of Mealworms of the Gods—that aliens are abducting us not for their own cook pots, but to feed to their pets—is compelling, but I’m going to pass on this one…

…Thanks for sending the synopsis of The Caravaggio Conundrum, but I get a lot of these…

…I’m not the right agent for your Concordance to The Adventures of Conan the Barbarian. I find the Hyperborean hyperboring…

Ventriloquism for Dummies…a clever title, but I’m afraid there aren’t enough enthusiasts out there to warrant publication…

Salesman of the Century seems a grandiloquent claim, don’t you think?…I’m certain that a long career of selling shoes door-to-door was absorbing for you, but—and it pains me to say this—such a story is just not very interesting to the general reader, despite the interweaving of your personal theories on reincarnation…

…Your book about meditation for Roman Catholics is a good idea, but you have chosen an unfortunate title. While the notion of “killing the Buddha”—i.e., eliminating the association of an icon or personage with one’s quest for enlightenment—works for Buddhists, I am quite certain that Kill the Pope would be taken the wrong way. Try to imagine, Mr. O’Grady, such a book on a table at Sam’s Club, with the title in vivid block lettering, and then consider what kind of person would be drawn to it. Come up with a better title and you might have a winner …

…Good luck with The Norman Rockwell Enigma

…I must pass on The Joe DeMaestri Story. I understand that as his greet nephew you are well acquainted with the life and career of this fine utility infielder, but his obscurity would make this a hard sell…Perhaps if he had spent more years with the Yankees than with the Kansas City Athletics, and achieved a lifetime batting average higher than .235…

Just received your outline for The Aardwolf Who Solved the Hate Crime in Minneapolis…For one thing, what is an aardwolf doing in Minneapolis?… Try to grasp this concept: cats are very popular. There are many cat lovers, especially among fans of the mystery genre. That is the hook. One cannot simply place any animal in the title and expect to attract readers.  I thought I made this clear when I responded to your similar proposals involving hamster, ferret, and box turtle…

…When I read your synopsis of Please Don’t Eat the Babies: A Young Wife’s Struggle with Her Husband’s Cannibalism, I thought it was a joke. But after Googling you, I see that your story is true. You have my sympathy, but I’m afraid this is not the kind of book I handle…

…Trust me, no publisher is going to touch Who Would Jesus F**k? How to Pleasure Your Christian Man Until He Howls Hosannas to the Heavens on High.  Jesus and the “f” word (even with asterisks) on the cover of a book?—um, no…

…It’s been a long day.  Everybody in creation, it seems, wants to be an author. Handing out rejection after rejection is a thankless job, and it drains me.  But I will try to be kind…To begin with, Change Me Mommy, I’m Wet, would not be an ideal title even for a book supposedly written by an infant. That it has been written by an overweight, thirty-five-year-old shipping clerk makes it downright creepy…If you’re going to include photos of yourself in a nappy, booties, and a bonnet, you must eliminate your facial hair…Although I respect your desire to promulgate, as you put it, “a clarion call for a greater understanding and tolerance of the men and women who embrace the joys of age-play,” I suggest that the practitioners of this aberration, yourself included, are not so much the victims of repression, but of tittering…

…Re. The Elvis on Black Velvet Conspiracy: pass.