Well well well. Look who’s come to me, the last person they ever wanted to come to for help,
The aliens, and the dinosaurs, and the natural disasters, and a rogue CIA agent, and a time
traveling Soviet general, and then a second set of aliens, have become more than all of you can
handle, so now you want ME to dig you out of this hole.
Fine. I’ll do it. But on one condition.
If we do this, we do it my way.
Thats right. My way.
Not his way or her way, my way.
Not Frank Sinatra’s way.
Not the way of the Samurai, or the way of the gun, or even the way to Sesame Street.
None of those ways are my way, which is the way we’re gonna to do this!
Its my way, or the low way. (I think we should attack high.)
If we do this, we do this by the book, but my book. My book, written by me, edited by me and
dedicated to me without whom none of this would have been possible.
Look where doing it a different way has gotten all of you. Right here, on my doorstep, needing a
new way to do it, thats where.
You tried the way where you fight the dinosaurs, and that just attracted the aliens.
Then you tried to fight the aliens, and call a time out with the dinosaurs, but you forgot one
thing. The dinosaurs do it their way.
Then, you forgot a second thing.
The aliens also do it their way, because they’re so alien.
The third thing you forgot, was that everyone else is also doing things in their own, various
Everyone wants to do things their own way.
But if we do this we do it my way.
I’ll be the first to admit, my way wont be easy.
Sure, it’ll start off going pretty well. There’ll probably be an “opening” battle, which will be fairly easy for us. We’ll most likely use this time to engage in some playful banter, which is great for team building. Then, when it seems like everything is going great, BOOM! Some alien or rogue CIA guy, or time traveling badass will attack us out of nowhere, thus establishing that his or her badass-edness is roughly equal to my own.
After that, we’ll sort of just “move the ball forward” for a little while which will involve more
fighting This fighting will be harder than the first fighting, but not quite as hard as the last
fighting. I can 100% guarantee to all of you that no one will die in the fighting, but, we’ll start to see some doubt creep into our previously established bonds. But shortly after that, things will start to get a little hairy. We’ll get in a fight, that won’t go so well, which you would think wouldn’t be a part of my way, but is actually an essential part of my way!
Make no mistake, we’ll get our asses kicked, and theres an excellent chance one of us will die,
which will be sad, but it will really raise the stakes of my way. For a while, it’s gonna seem like
“all is lost”, and we may even think about quitting. We’ll retreat to a farm house, or bunker, or my old mentors house, or outer space or inner space, or middle space, which is actually just normal
I should mention thought that if we go to my mentors house, theres an excellent chance he’ll
die, so he specifically told me to never go there. But thats his way, and we’re doing
this my way.
After we “group once again” as I like to call it, we’ll fight our enemy, once again, (see why I call it that?!) but, and I would say this is the thesis statement of my way, we win instead of lose.
How great does that sound?
The only catch is, one of us, specifically one of us thats not me, is certainly going to die.
There you have it. Thats the way we’re going to do this, and the only way we’re going to do this.
If I’m being rude, I apologize.
I don’t mean to offend anyone.
Its just my way.