Bill Simmons

Bill Simmons

Today ESPN announced that it’s ending its 15-year relationship with pioneering sports blogger and Grantland founder Bill Simmons.

It’s not wholly clear who initiated the break-up, although ESPN president John Skipper sounds less than pleased with the contract negotiations that precipitated the split. In any case, we’re not here to offer thoughtful analysis. We’re here to pick up ESPN’s sloppy seconds.

Bill Simmons, can we be your rebound hook-up?

We want to make you the Punchnel’s Sports Editor for as long as you want it. No strings attached. And let us be completely clear: We want you to take complete creative control.

Now we can only pay you $10 per article. We’re poor, Bill. But we’re also frisky and ready for action. We’ll let you do whatever you want. Want to go off half-cocked about NFL corruption on Twitter? Please, do! We’re not in bed with the major sports leagues or big advertisers. You’ll have us all to yourself.

We should add that we’re headquartered in Indiana. Don’t walk away yet; you can stay in L.A., we’re cool with the long-distance thing. But we know how much you love Hoosiers and Hinkle Fieldhouse and Larry Bird. And our offices are just a 10-minute walk from Banker’s Life Fieldhouse, so you can catch an NBA game whenever you’re in town for a brainstorming meeting.

Don’t feel like walking to the game? Allow us to sweeten the deal with two complimentary bike share passes. Tickets are on you, Bill, but compared to L.A. Pacers games are practically free.

And if we haven’t been clear enough, let us reiterate: we’re not looking for anything long-term. And we won’t moan and groan about it when you leave. We’ll even write a nice letter of recommendation to your next suitor. We’re progressive like that.

Still not convinced? Did we mention that we’re close, personal friends with David Simon? Seriously! Just look at the comments section. That’s street cred of the highest order, Bill.

To recap: No strings attached. Complete creative control. No conflicts of interest. Full Twitter freedom. Larry Legend. Bikeshare passes. David Simon.

What do you say, Bill? Wanna do it with us?

 

Photo by David Shankbone (Own work) [GFDL (http://www.gnu.org/copyleft/fdl.html), CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/) or CC BY-SA 2.5-2.0-1.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.5-2.0-1.0)], via Wikimedia Commons