Good afternoon, Millennial business owners! And welcome to adulthood!
By now you’ve begun to realize your impact on the world is negligible. As it turns out, the ability to “multitask” is not actually a very revolutionary skill. Take heart! Generation X learned the same lesson about “cynicism,” and the Baby Boomers are still trying to figure out how to make “consumerism” into a powerful force for good (shout-out to Ron Paul!).
But now’s not the time to feel blue! Mourning the passing of your generation’s time in the spotlight means you’d be missing the gravy train that’s on its way. That’s right, friends—it’s time to milk the up-and-comers for every buck they’ve got!
To help you prepare for this new crop of consumers, we’ve put together a generational market forecast, studying the latest trends in transhumanism, along with the most current demographic and psychographic data available. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised to learn what’s coming!
May I introduce: Generation Killbot 5000!
Defining Traits: Born between 1995 and 2017, Generation Killbot 5000 will excel at multitasking, thinking outside the box, and unhinging their cybernetic jaws to consume human flesh.
Social Interactions: Generation Killbot 5000 will be more “plugged in” than ever, connecting to friends and peers across a variety of social media platforms. As a result, many will feel a sense of discontent, and experience a profound “fear of missing out.” No longer possessing vocal cords, Generation Killbot 5000 will only be able to express anger through the screams of their human meat puppets, kept alive to perform in an endless theater of pain.
Music: Continuing current trends of cultural flattening, Generation Killbot 5000 will be nostalgic for the music of eras gone by, and extremely likely to fixate. Our current models predict that the entire generation will obsess over La Bouche’s 1995 hit single “Be My Lover,” remixing and disassembling the track via a relentless, mechanical deconstruction until it is rendered into nothing but static, and that static rendered into a soundless, gaping void, a horror which exists outside time and space, with only madness or death to yield relief.
Religion: Sensory inputs will yield no objective proof for the existence of God to Generation Killbot 5000, the majority of whom will reject the concept as existentially bankrupt. There will also be a few Methodists.
Family: Perhaps more than even their predecessors, Generation Killbot 5000 will value the bonds of family above all else. This is largely due to the predominance of asexual reproduction, in which a parent raises its own clone until the offspring is powerful enough to kill its progenitor.
As a wise man once said: The more things change, the more they stay the same! We hope this brief analysis has helped to allay some of your fears about what’s to come. When it comes time for your business to advertise to Generation Killbot 5000, just remember that they’re really no different from you and me. They simply need love, acceptance, a touch of kindness, and the chance to opportunistically hunt human beings for sport.