From: Phil Kinder
To: All Staff
8:16 AM

 

Welcome back everyone! I hope you had a good holiday. I wanted to inform you that the head of HR has been let go. If you know of any potential applicants please forward their resumes directly to me.

Thank you.

 

From: Phil Kinder
To: All Staff
8:32 AM

I wanted to address some concerns. There will not be more firings. There was only a problem with HR.

Thank you.

 

From: Phil Kinder
To: All Staff
9:45 AM

I wanted to address additional concerns. This has nothing to do with the situation between Heather Bailey, front desk, and I.

Thank you.

 

From: Phil Kinder
To: All Staff
11:06 AM

Thank you to those who sent in applications and forwarded the position to their friends. Yes, I would prefer to hire someone in house if possible.

Thank you.

 

From: Phil Kinder
To: All Staff
11:16 AM

Again, this has nothing to do with the incident between Heather Bailey, front desk, and I. No, your stance on the topic will not affect your chances of getting the job.

Thank you.

 

From: Phil Kinder
To: All Staff
12:06 PM

While going to lunch I overheard several people discussing Heather Bailey, front desk, and I. I will not go into detail but there was an incident at the Office Holiday party. It was dealt with appropriately.

Also, the HR position has been filled. Thank you to all those who applied.

Thank you.

 

From: Phil Kinder
To: All Staff
12:41 PM

To confirm: Yes, Heather Bailey, formerly front desk, now head of HR, filled the position. It was based on accomplishment and experience, nothing else. Again, this has nothing to do with Heather and my relationship. Any connection is purely coincidental.

Thank you.

 

From: Heather Bailey
To: All Staff
1:09 PM

Hello everyone!!! Heather here new head of HR!!! I know some of you are concerned but my job is to handle these things now! I want to clear the air. Yes, Phil and I were seen making love during the holiday party. Yes, it took place on the open bar. We were both intoxicated like many of other in attendance!!! I am surprised anyone even noticed.

Thanks!!!

 

From: Heather Bailey
To: All Staff
1:24 PM

I would also like to address a picture that was rumored to have been taken that night. If you own this picture please delete it ASAP in compliance with HR policy.

Thanks again!

 

From: Phil Kinder
To: All Staff
1:43 PM

Please take down all copies of that photo. I have removed two copies from the mailroom, one from the break room fridge, and one from a men’s bathroom stall.

Anyone not in compliance will be contacted by HR. Thank you.

 

From: Heather Bailey
To: All Staff
2:56 PM

Hi guys! Today has been a really rough first day for me. I have had to terminate a few people and I do not want to continue doing that! Please stop posting that photo around the office!

Thank you everyone!

 

From: Phil Kinder
To: All Staff
3:03 PM

I was contacted by Richard Milford at Milford Co. He told me that a pornographic picture of myself and a woman, Heather, was seen in his office. Please. Let’s at least keep this in house. Anyone seen posting this photo OR sending it outside the office will suffer serious consequences.

 

From: Heather Bailey
To: All Staff
4:08 PM

Hello All!!! I want to clear the air about some rumors. Yes, I had to terminate Phil after he assaulted an employee, who will remain nameless, after he saw him faxing copies of the photo to other insurance companies. That is all.

Thanks!

 

From: Phil Kinder
To: All Staff
4:23 PM

Steve here. I’m in Phil’s old office. Yeah he punched me. Don’t worry I got him a few times in the jaw. I’m sending out resumes now. I would suggest you do the same. This company is going to shit.

 

From: Heather Bailey
To: All Staff
4:23 PM

Steve get off Phil’s email before I tell him to come back and hit you again!!!

 

From: Heather Bailey
To: All Staff
4:24 PM

Sorry everyone! I meant to send that last message to Steve Garrett, Accounting, only. Please keep working! I will be unavailable for the rest of the week. I will catch up on any emails on Monday!

 

From: Phil Kinder
To: All Staff
4:57 PM

I am no longer the CEO of Kinder & Co. but I wanted to squash some rumors Heather Bailey, head of HR, enlightened me to. No, I have not emptied the company’s corporate bank account or booked two one-way tickets to Bermuda. Steve Garrett, Accounting, doesn’t know what he is talking about. It should also not raise concerns that Heather took the rest of the week off.

I hope you all do well in the future. I would write any of you a glowing reference, excluding Steve Garrett, and I would hope you would do the same for me.

Thank you.

Sent from my iPhone.

####

Taylor Owen Dorsett is an improvisational actor and stand-up comedian located in Chicago. You can find out more at www.taylordorsett.com.

Photo by Cecilsphase via Wikimedia Commons.