Good news for homophobes: Indiana Senate Bill 101, the so-called Religious Freedom Bill, was approved by the House Judiciary Committee and now goes to the Indiana House of Representatives for a vote this afternoon.

Sure, it seems silly to call a bill that legalizes discrimination a “Religious Freedom Bill.” Sure, it seems to create a hostile environment that frightens and disgusts most rational businesspeople.

Don’t get us wrong: We’re as embarrassed and appalled by this bill as our friends at such tiny and insignificant organizations as Salesforce Marketing Cloud, the Indy Chamber, and Eli Lilly and Co. But we figured our legislators couldn’t be that stupid. There had to be legitimate reasons for a law designed to deny people service in businesses that are ostensibly open to the public.

Sure enough: We came up with 10 good ones. Please feel free to add your own.

10 Reasons You’d Want to Avoid Serving Gay People in Your Establishment:

  1. You don’t believe in vaccines, and so are completely unprotected against the gay virus.
  2. You’re already kind of swamped selling guns to disgruntled mental patients.
  3. You’re hoping to drive all culture, industry, and zest for life to Ohio and eventually become King and Queen (non-gay kind) of Indiana.
  4. Absence of the frontal lobe portion of your brain makes coming up with legitimate reasons tinderbox apple cauliflower.
  5. You have a fear of becoming too fabulous.
  6. You consider “love thy neighbor” to be more of a “nice to have.”
  7. You run a self-service gas station.
  8. You have not yet been visited by three spirits who will, over the course of a harrowing Christmas morning, demonstrate that you are a complete and utter bastard.
  9. Downton Abbey is on.
  10. Sydney Leathers is blackmailing you via Twitter.

Seriously, people. Call out your legislators on this one. For a much more reasoned response to the idiocy, please read James S. Ferguson’s open letter in NUVO.

*UPDATE: The Indiana House passed Senate Bill 101 Monday, and Gov. Pence will likely going sign it into law.

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