768px-BSHS_Cape_MannequinWhen you want to put on your shiniest pair of gloves and say, “I think it’s time I took matters into my own hands…bwah hah hah hah hah.”

Try a couple squirts of hand lotion, rub hands together, and say, “I guess I’d better take care of my hands, because they have so much good to do, and who knows how much time I’ll have to do it in? Ha ha. Just kidding. That makes me sound depressed, which I’m not. And if I am, I’m certainly doing everything I can to cope with it in a positive way.” Rub extra lotion into forearms if you have taken too much.

– When you want to raise both hands high in the air, summoning your robot attack condors, and cry “Now you’ll find out who’s really calling the shots!”

Raise hands high in the air, summoning your motion-activated lasers and mirrored disco ball, and cry, “Now you’ll find out who’s calling the shots on the dance floor! Get ready to get served, Travolta style. Because he was in that movie, Staying Alive. Do I really need to explain this to you? No, I’m not going to get upset. I can’t control what you do and don’t know. I can only control myself.” Continue to dance it out until it is all out.

-When you want to laugh madly and point your pointiest finger and say, “That’s what you think!”

Laugh in a friendly, disbelieving way. Point pointiest finger at self and say, “Is that what you think? That I? Oh, ho. No. No. That’s a good one. Oh, please. As if.”

– When you want to say, in a sly way, “I have a little surprise for you,” and pull the lever, and then add something like, “The world will soon learn that I am not to be trifled with.”

Say, in a sly way, “I have a little surprise for you,” then pull the handle on the refrigerator and say, “It’s a delicious dessert. They call it a trifle. It’s got layers of delicious sweet foods, and also a surprising hidden layer. No, not a hidden lair. L-A-Y… Look. It’s really very surprising. Actually, it’s carrots. Shredded raw carrots. I know it sounds weird, but it really adds a very interesting, refreshing contrast.”

– When you want to say, “Now is the time for you to…die!”

Say, “Now is the time for you to try…the carrot layer.” Smile. Say, “Come on, seriously. I spent a lot of time on this. If you don’t like it, I’ll…I’ll just have to concede that we all have differences, much as it may frustrate us from time to time. That’s just the way the world is, and there’s nothing I, with my stupendous powers, can do to change it.”


Robin Beery lives in Indianapolis and is a writer/producer at Well Done Marketing.

Brooklyn Superhero Supply Co. photo by Jeff Gustafson (http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File%3ABSHS_Cape_Mannequin.jpg) via Wikimedia Commons.