VaccinationPoliticians are such funny, busy people. When they’re not trying to repeal laws in order to deprive their constituents of the benefits that they themselves enjoy, or telling college professors they need to work harder despite never having graduated from college, or setting forest fires as a hobby, they like to relax by weighing in on basic, long-settled questions of public health, like vaccines, in order to woo their base.

How droll of them to imply that it even matters! As most people know (who aren’t government-controlled dupes) the U.S. is already waging a sophisticated, secret immunization campaign against its citizens, and has been for decades, using covert military technology and techniques.

Playful punches on the arm have been a common delivery method, as have back slaps, fist bumps, butt pats, even foot rubs. If you’ve ever received a sting from a robot bee, odds are it was just administering one of the below top-secret vaccines.

Strap-$

This vaccine inoculates you against an ancient disease known as Strappedforcashus allofthetimeus. Sufferers of this ailment will notice that as quickly as their biweekly paycheck arrives, the money is practically all gone. Secondary conditions are all too common, most of them related to the regular consumption of Carl Buddig meats. Once administered, this vaccine is almost 98% effective, and even secondary conditions will abate. Unfortunately, your chances of being secretly inoculated with this vaccine are roughly equivalent to your chances of winning the lottery without ever buying a ticket.

Men-Men-Meh

Reduces to almost zero your inclination to sit through an episode of Two and a Half Men. The government has had this vaccine around since the fall of 2005, when the show entered its third season, but the secret inoculations really began in earnest in 2011 after Charlie Sheen’s radio meltdown.

If you have had this vaccine, you are probably unaware that Two and a Half Men is still on the air after twelve seasons. Although inoculation causes severe pain and permanent discoloration at the delivery site, and although the very last episode of Two and a Half Men airs in just over two weeks, we still recommend getting this vaccine if you can somehow arrange for the government to inject you.

Pic-Beet

This vaccine (more accurately an anti-vaccine) actually reduces your resistance to pickled beets: not the fresh, roasted kind that taste like delicious dirt, but the slimy, pickled ones that taste like slimy, pickled dirt. This anti-vaccine has been around almost since the weaponization of pickled beets in the late 1940s. My wife and youngest daughter are the only two living people known to have received this anti-vaccine. Donations are welcome.

Dip-Plodocus

This vaccine was secretly administered to all Hollywood film producers beginning during the late 1990s, the goal being to halt the spread of Land Before Time straight-to-video sequels. Despite the eagerness of the target population to stick just about anything in their skin that might a) get them high, or b) reduce wrinkles, the campaign proved tricky, and the scourge was not completely wiped out until 2008, too late to stop the release of Land Before Time XIII: The Wisdom of Friends.

Measles

This vaccine keeps you from getting measles. It has been secretly administered to most members of the U.S. population by covert agents masquerading as people who love you. If you want to get measles, or someday give measles to someone else, do not let the government administer this vaccine.

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Robin Beery lives in Indianapolis and is a writer/producer at Well Done Marketing.

Photo by U.S. Department of Health (http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File%3AVaccination.jpg) via Wikimedia Commons.