Imagine how great this would look on a flag.

Imagine how great this would look on a flag.

In the wake of Indiana Gov. Mike Pence’s decision to create a state-run news agency (a publication dubbed Pravda on the Plains” by The Atlantic), we at Punchnel’s have considered our options and decided to apply for statehood and become America’s first Virtual State.

According to this random piece by a “US Government Expert,” here’s what we have to do:

  • Our “territory” has to vote on statehood. Since our territory is The Internet, we’re asking you, our readers, to vote. (See below.)
  • We have to petition the U.S. Congress for statehood. No worries. Our day jobs are in advertising. We’re great at petitioning.
  • We have to adopt a form of government and a constitution that are in compliance with the U.S. Constitution. This seems easy enough. We have lots of writers who can draft up a constitution. Anyone who wants to be in charge of figuring out the governing stuff can drop us an email.
  • Congress has to vote on a joint resolution to accept us as a state. This might be the trickiest part. Again, though: We’re in advertising. We’re persuasive.
  • The President of the United States has to sign the joint resolution. Once he (or she, if we can’t get this done quickly) sees all the advantages of granting Punchnel’s statehood, it’ll be a no-brainer.

    The State Bird of Punchnel's.

    The State Bird of Punchnel’s.

Advantages? So many. Almost no violent crime (but lots of identity theft). Low cost of living—pretty much just a computer and wifi access, and you’re in. Good health plan (Obamacare) available to all citizens. Great entertainment. Gay marriage will be legal from day one. Liquor sales on Sunday? You bet.

The above-mentioned random article also says that you can’t split a state unless you have approval of your state legislature. Since our territory is The Internet, we don’t really have a physical presence. But if they insist on pinning us to a place, we think we’re okay, too. We’re based in Indiana, and we’re pretty sure our state legislature would be happy to be rid of us.

Bottom line: If the State of Indiana can get into the news and feature business, then we can get into the State business. We figure we’re ahead of the game. We already have a website.

Should Punchnel's apply for U.S. Statehood and become America's first Virtual State?

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*Punchnel’s is not affiliated with Indiana’s new state-run news agency, Just IN. We apologize in advance for any confusion our headline may have caused.

Bird photo by Bailey Weaver from Medford, USA (Perfect.) [CC BY 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons.