MuellersGibbonCloning is out, 3D printing is in, and this time, America, let’s get it right.

Excitement over cloning peaked in the 90s with a sheep and a well-documented theme park accident, but honestly I think we all knew it would be a bust. Do you want more of me? Do you want more of you? Of course not. We’re all terrible, and getting old, and our bodies are a little bit crap.

But now 3D printing has come along, with speculation that it could be used to create transplantable organs, tissues, and more for medical use. So now I’m thinking, why not print whole people? And why not make a few small improvements while we’re at it?

So here are my suggestions, America, for printing better, brighter human beings.

1. SHARK FINGERS

I read somewhere that sharks have teeth in rows like conveyor belts, with new ones always growing to replace the old. So I got to thinking, why not do that with fingers? Every time I work inside a giant clock or try to tickle a tall bird I can’t enjoy the experience for fear of something awful happening to my fingers. With shark fingers, I can tickle birds with impunity, the way God intended.

2. SPECIFIED HAIR ZONES

Man, it’s a dark fucking day when you take an electric razor to your pinky knuckles, but that’s what life is like after thirty. It doesn’t even matter where we put the hair on our printed people, give everybody giant beards or braided eyebrows, I don’t care, but let’s just pick a spot and keep it there for good.

3. SUPPORT STRUTS

Not long ago I hurt my lower back, which was only a problem when I walked, sat, slept, chewed, sneezed, talked, laughed, peed, cursed God, and prayed for death. It seems that every human activity requires use of those muscles in one way or another. That’s a pretty clear design flaw. It’s like the human body is one big Jenga puzzle, and the lower back is the block that topples the whole thing over.

I don’t know where we’d put them, though. I guess they’d have to be anchored to our arms, maybe? So that might limit us a little, but that’s why I’m also suggesting:

4. PREHENSILE TAILS

Dapper and functional! Need an extra hand with groceries? Use your new tail instead! Put a bow on it for a night on the town, or tuck it in a sock for a cozy snooze by the fireplace. And speaking of tucking:

5. GENITAL REBOOT

Human genitals look like they were designed by two separate committees, each provided with an Etch-a-Sketch illustration of what the other team was building. (“Hm… I guess we’re making the pointy one, then?”) And apparently funding ran out about halfway through, because clearly they just slapped some shit together and called it a day.

How did these designs get past the QA process? Who inspected them and decided, “Yes, these certainly look appealing enough to stake the survival of the species on.”

We should do better, America. And now, thanks to 3D printing, we can.

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Alex Mattingly is a copywriter and feline enthusiast who talks to fridges. He’s also a regular Punchnel’s contributor of fiction and nonfiction. He blogs about you at alexmattingly.com.

 Photo by Greg Hume (http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File%3AMuellersGibbon.jpg) via Wikimedia Commons.