Yo, have you heard the latest hijinks from those goofballs in North Korea? They’re all worked up about this new Rogen-Franco flick that skewers their Supreme Leader. If I know anything about Seth Rogen and James Franco—and I don’t—it’ll be two hours of gay jokes and bromance. Evidently one of the crowning gags reveals that Kim Jong-un is, like, oh-em-gee, a Katy Perry fan.
Except according to the North Koreans, the plot of “The Interview” amounts to—I shit you not—an act of war. So they terror-hacked Sony, which itself, according to American statutes, also constitutes an act of war. Two and two together? Seth Rogen just stuck a sack of popcorn in the Korean War microwave.
Word was, the North Koreans were fixing to get their nine-eleven on at theaters premiering the film. And you know what? I believe them. These dear-leader morons have been hitting the juche pipe so hard they truly can’t distinguish real life from stoner comedy. This gang makes Al Qaeda’s Israel hang-up look like it was shot in sepia. Like, get over the Holy Land already. It’s 2014—the dawn of dick joke terrorism.
I was all set to do my bit for the nation by attending the premiere. Sure, it’s a risk. But you gotta believe in something. And I ain’t going down like no punk. You know I’m packing a .38 behind my belt buckle. I’ll be one hand on my Big Gulp, one hand on the pistol grip, looking ass-friggin-skance at anybody with a tilt in their eye. Korean, Chinese, whatever. Can’t discriminate. Gotta protect our values.
Just say they pull something off. Say some North Korean ninjas fly planes into my movie theater. They got me. I’m toast. But guess what? I went down exercising my right to see their supreme honcho’s face melt off. So fuck ‘em. Freedom of expression, baby. Second amendment, baby.
Or that was the plan, until this bunch of pushovers at Sony scratched the whole film. Got the willies and yanked it from the theaters. Knuckled under. Let the terrorists win. That’s not a punch line—they literally let the terrorists win.
I swear to god, I was ready to die.
Guess the joke’s on me.
Korean DMZ photo by Edward N. Johnson (http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File%3AJointSecurityAreaNorthKoreans.jpg) via Wikimedia Commons.