Johnny-BaBa-Barber-Barber

The guys from Barber Barber? Or extras from Gangs of New York?

Dear Chicks,

How’s it going? I see you in the newspaper sometimes. I love the thumbnail shot of you hugging each other. It’s so fun and sexy.

As a rule, I don’t pay attention to you. But it’s Friday, and Christmas is coming, and I thought, what the hell? I’ll be charitable.

So I read your column in today’s Indianapolis StarHoo, boy. Big mistake.

The piece is all about an uproar in the U.K. over a guy who’s started a chain of men-only barber shops. And about how a tiny group of radical feminists is trying to shut them down. “Because of sexism or misogyny of something,” as you say.

“These chicks are wack,” as you also say. You’re so cute when you use out-of-date ethnic slang. It makes you seem so…

…out of touch.

See, Chicks, I don’t really care about men’s barber shops or women’s beauty salons. I assume most self-respecting women don’t want to hang around with a bunch of hipster dudes who are drinking and farting and playing with scissors.

But there’s a principle here, and I think you stepped on your, um, mufflers when you said, “…as we’ve seen with the small percentage of population who’s gay, the tiniest minority often can cause dramatic cultural change.”

That’s true. But you imply that it’s a bad thing.

Remember that small percentage of African-American civil rights leaders back in the ’60s who spoke out against racist Jim Crow laws and demanded an end to government-approved segregation in America? Remember those crazy dames who thought American women deserved the right to vote?

In fact: Remember those hare-brained colonists who thought we should be governing ourselves on this side of the Big Ditch and whipped up such a stink that we had a Revolutionary War? Those guys were really wack.

The fact is, Chicks, sometimes it takes bold people who are willing to risk their own necks to speak out against inequality and injustice. Those people often come off as crackpots, and they are definitely a threat to the status quo. As you note, “they’re loud enough to cause real damage.”

What you’re missing is that, sometimes, damage needs to be caused. Sometimes, the culture you’re clinging to (the way you’re clinging to each other in your photo) is patently unfair, and needs to be changed. And the only way change will happen is if an obnoxious minority screams loudly enough.

And you can be all glib about defending men-only barber shops, because it’s so cute and ridiculous. But where shall we draw the line? How about a whites-only barber shop? How about a heteros-only barber shop? How about a men-only country club? How about a men-only House of Representatives? How about a whites-only America?

You end your piece by saying of the embattled barber that “He’s not letting them change his culture. And the rest of us shouldn’t, either.” In other words, now that the culture’s just the way you like it—for you—we should just freeze it in time.

Fortunately for the people who are not white, privileged suburban Chicks, that’s not the way culture works. It’s not the way America works. Thank goodness.