Fanny-Price-jane-austens-heroines-988883_688_400Which Jane Austen Heroine Are You? (Buzzfeed)
Fanny Price

0 stars out of 4

It’s a truth universally acknowledged that Fanny Price is The Worst Jane Austen Character of All Time.  Whiny, priggish, and incredibly boring, this chick has always seemed to me someone who would have been mocked in a different, better Austen novel. Even as a young person, my hatred of Mansfield Park was venomous and eloquent to the point that when I wrote a scathing essay on it in a high school class, the teacher first asked me who had written it and then when convinced I hadn’t plagiarized the piece, settled down into some praise. Since hating things and reading comprised the entire sum of my skill set at that point in my life, I’m not surprised I hit it out of the park. I still hate this book almost as much as I hated every being on the Earth (except my friend Missy) when I was 16.

What Is Your Spirit Animal? (Buzzfeed)800px-Erinaceus_europaeus_LC0119
Hedgehog

2 stars out of 4

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy photos of hedgehogs. My friend Courtney and I share a strong, hedgehog-related bond. But I like almost all animals except dogs with human-looking eyes. And I have reservations about being classed with hedgehogs. The main “sticking” point is that I once read that they secrete a sticky fluid when happy. I don’t know if it’s true and a quick Internet search didn’t reveal any confirmation. Nonetheless, I am forever prejudiced against hedgehogs because of this. Also, my spirit animal right now is a squirrel or woodchuck. In the past, I’ve had inner bears and other large protective animals. And of course, we all remember my spirit eland. (I totally know you don’t remember that.) I’ve never had a domesticated or even semidomesticated beast for a spirit animal and I’m not going to start now.

Hobbit-film-Tolkie_2419944bWhat Middle Earth Character Are You? (Buzzfeed)
Hobbit

3.5 stars out of 4

Honestly, I should give this four stars because it’s so obviously true. I’m a homebody, I like to cook, I eat second breakfast pretty much every day, and I’m really scared of ringwraiths. Also, I took this quiz on several different quiz platforms and I showed up as hobbit/Frodo/Bilbo throughout except the one that said I was Gandalf. Let’s be real: I’d rather be Gandalf. Let’s be realer: I’m just not that cool. Let’s be realest of all: Gandalf, hobbits, and even my beloved Faramir don’t exist and even if I sometimes have a hard time accepting that, it’s a fact.

Which Star Wars character are you? (Zimbio)Darth-Vader_6bda9114
Darth Vader

4 stars out of 4

I should probably feel insulted. I’m pretty sure that I got this result because I said I had a bad childhood. Zimbio may have some problems/prejudices in that regard because all of us with bad childhoods don’t turn out as beings of seething, unstoppable evil.

Nonetheless, it is hard to be angry about being classed with one of the most powerful badasses known to fiction. I love James Earl Jones’s voice and I have fond memories of seeing one of these movies at the drive-in as a kid. Although I’m not by any means a super fan, the prequels don’t register on my consciousness, because fuck that shit, so I don’t have to worry about whatever he did as a child or young man gumming up my ideas about who he is. To me, Darth Vader is all about cool armor, a cool voice, and being someone’s secret dad. What gal with a shitty childhood doesn’t want a secret, incredibly powerful dad? So what if he’s evil?

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Hedgehog photo by Jörg Hempel – Own work. Licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 2.0-de via Wikimedia Commons – http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Erinaceus_europaeus_LC0119.jpg#mediaviewer/File:Erinaceus_europaeus_LC0119.jpg.