Mrs. Johnson,

Thank you for inquiring about Bandit’s unique needs. My husband and I knew he would be the shining beacon of your classroom and that it was only a matter of time before you contacted us!

“Gifting” was the word you meant in your last email, but misspelled as “grating.” He does often seem unexplainably and irrepressibly gifting. For example, you will find that although he sometimes tears up and eats his homework assignments, he can paint a beautiful giraffe. Please base that assignment’s grade off of the anatomical accuracy of the giraffe.

As you may have noticed, Bandit does not like the color purple. His life coach assures us that this is normal for kids with superior thought processes. It may also have to do with the perfume his doula wore on the second day of his birth. To alleviate any stress due to purple, please remove any and all things purple from your classroom. This includes any article of clothing worn by other students. If another student enters the classroom in purple, you have my husband’s and my permission to immediately strip that child of their clothing in order to best protect Bandit’s feelings.

If you fail to do this, you will find that it results in one of Bandit’s emotional energy exercises. These vocal and physical exercises in strength are not to be suppressed, but observed as a window into the inner workings of a neurophysical feat. Sometimes he will give you an adorable little countdown and then yells BLASTOFF before he throws a vase or a laptop or a microwave. You may have also found that, for being so small, our little Bandit is very strong. His social-psychiatrist believes it is because he senses the political unrest in Abu Dhabi; he is very sensitive to the humanitarian conditions of others.

In order to soothe his energy, a successful calming method is through satisfying his oral nostalgia of post-natal fascinations. At home this means I generally nurse him back to tranquility, but at school you can just give him a sugar-free, dye-free, gluten-free sucker. Please do not give any of these suckers out to the rest of the class, as it hurts Bandit’s feelings. Also, we unfortunately cannot provide any of these suckers to you seeing as they are quite expensive and hard to come by. I’m sure you can just Google their name and order a case, though. They’re from France, I think. Or maybe Brooklyn.

We would prefer Bandit have individualized attention in Science class. He hates science, but he needs to excel at it. He enjoys when science involves sub-Sahara African Tribal dance music from pre-colonial times. It would benefit him greatly if you could incorporate that into your upcoming units. Similarly, if he could have individualized attention in Math and English, it would be greatly appreciated. You don’t necessarily have to hold his hand in Reading, but he does have trouble with complex sentences, quotations marks, and vowel sounds. He may say that he finds Social Studies “boring.” A good way to get his attention is to say his name and look at him when teaching. For example, “President Lincoln was one of our presidents, Bandit.” He seems to tune out if you are tending to other students though, so please keep that to a minimum.

Bandit enjoys group work, but only with high academic achievers. His squash coach believes this is because they are able to connect on similar microcommunicational planes. You will notice that it’s times when Bandit isn’t participating that he is learning the most. His is a process of feeling information as opposed to today’s archaic emphasis on visual and auditory learning methods. His group members may not be used to this kind of advanced learning and we would appreciate if you would educate them to it as necessary. If you find that Bandit’s answers are exactly the same as the students around him, it is merely because they became jealous and copied off of him. Any other explanation is an insult to my son, me, and my WWII army veteran father.

As far as seating arrangements go, Bandit does best when not sitting next to people who are lame, gross, or posers. His spiritual advisor discerns that he is very susceptible to hostile vibes. Please do not seat him anywhere near children who eat fast food or display Disney merchandise. I would also appreciate if I could get a list of students’ parents who are divorced, poor, or Pentecostal. I would really prefer he not sit next to any of those students. Also, please don’t let him sit next to, socialize with, or even look at that little harlot, Jane Miller. Like we don’t know what her mother does!

Feel free to contact me every day via text that you have sent me an email detailing his performance on all of the activities. I’m never too busy to hear about his test scores, social interactions, nutritional habits, Kleenex usage, thumb sucking (don’t worry about it!) or correct use of the word “zeitgeist.” We look forward to working with you just as much as you’ll look forward to further working with Bandit!

Sincerely,

Mrs. Alcon-Fitzmuffin