Materials: 100% Cotton
Instructions: Wash in Cold Water. Swear you’ll remember this because it’s a slim fit and you’re already working hard enough to suck in that gut. Place garment next to, not inside, laundry hamper because you’ll forget special treatment without visual cue. Come home from work to find that spouse helpfully did the laundry. All of it. Squeeze self into newly-micro shirt, suck in gut and smile.
Materials: 100% Linen
Instructions: Dry Clean Only. Hesitate before buying. They put all these things on sale, but criminy, it’ll cost you a fortune to clean. Calculate reduction in children’s college fund and purchase. Break down after fifth trip to cleaners and hand wash. Spend three hours trying to iron out puckers in fabric. Scorch garment with iron. Fly into rage, ball up garment and throw in trash with the fleas of a thousand camels.
Materials: 50% Silk, 25% Nylon, 25% Viscose
Instructions: Hand Wash Only. Put right back in closet every time you pull it out because who has the time?
Materials: 50% Cotton, 50% Polyester
Instructions: Wash with Like Colors. Wait weeks for enough burgundy-family colors to amass for a wash. Wear only occasionally because you tire of being a slave to your laundry’s schedule. Eventually decide not to listen to garment industry’s segregationist claptrap. Decide pink socks and underwear are a sign of open-mindedness your whole family should wear with pride.
Materials: 60% Polyester, 35% Rayon, 5% Spandex
Instructions: Permanent Press/Wrinklefree. Explain to spouse that this does not mean “forget in dryer for five hours then complain about textile industry fraud.”
Materials: 100% Polyester
Materials: 100% Wool
Instructions: Thank grandmother for lovely sweater and intend to wear. Feel excessive amounts of guilt and put garment on for first time a year later. Endure for twenty minutes before itchiness drives you insane. Stash in bottom drawer until nightmares about moths force you to put garment into bag for spouse’s clothing drive at work.
Materials: Panty: 87% Nylon, 13% Spandex; Leg: 100% Nylon
Instructions: Screw it, telecommute.