CORNBALL MUSIC UP, UNDER:
(A THUMPING NOISE, followed by a CLICKING SOUND accompanied by ROOM TONE and a BUS driving by. HORNS HONK.)
ANNCR (slightly off-mic): Hello again and welcome to The Typical Podcast, coming to you live from Typical Podcast Studios on Sunset Boulevard. I’m your host, Wanky McWankerton, and friends, today, I’ve got Mel Brooks — we’ve been trying for months to get him as a guest, and let me tell ya, it wasn’t easy. We had to do something a little different with Mel Brooks, though. We didn’t just want to interview him. Instead, we decided to interview him while he built a birdhouse with me. We’re gonna get crafty today, folks. We’ll be sure to put step-by-step instructions up on our web site at typicalpodcast.info, so you all can build your own birdhouses with or without the help of Mel Brooks. Man, Mel Brooks. I have to admit, I was a little starstruck when I met him. You see, I grew up watching those great Mel Brooks films—
(A car horn HONKS. A dump truck in reverse BEEPS under the next minute of content.)
ANNCR (on-mic now): — like Young Frankenstein, or “FRONK-ensteen,” (laughter) Blazing Saddles, and all those old great films. Growing up, you just had to know Mel Brooks movies. So I’m very excited to have Mel Brooks on today’s show. But before we get to that, I’ll be at the Red Roof Inn in Des Moines, Iowa, doing standup on the 23rd, and from there I’ll be at the Knight’s Inn in Kankakee, Illinois on the 25th, and from there I’m gonna skip Chicago on this leg of the tour — sorry, Chicagoans — and do Ft. Wayne, Indiana on the 27th, where I’ll be appearing at the Motel 6 on Coliseum. I’m looking forward to getting out on the road again, and I’ve got plenty of new material to try out, so please, come on out and see me at these shows. I crave acceptance.
(The dump truck stops BEEPING, then more THUMPING, and a plate SHATTERS in another room. A cow MOOS.)
ANNCR (now slightly off-mic again): Once again, Mel Brooks is on today’s podcast, and I couldn’t be more excited to interview this guy while showing you all how to build a birdhouse. I know it’s an audio-only podcast, folks, but hopefully if you use the directions we’re gonna post at typicalpodcast.info, you’ll be able to build your own. And hey, if you want, go ahead and upload photos of your results and send us the link, and maybe we’ll put the link on our page. Maybe Mel Brooks will see them! You know, I grew up watching Mel Brooks’ films — his films, his movies, his cinema, but what a lot of people forget is how great a comic he was alongside Carl Reiner. Their “2000 Year Old Man” routine is, for my money, the greatest comedy routine ever — and I’m including “Who’s On First?” in this. I’m including that one. I’m including it. IT.
(A dog BARKS. The dump truck shifts to reverse again and BEEPS more.)
ANNCR (more on-mic now): So Mel Brooks is with us today, but before we get to my interview with Mel, let’s take a moment and talk about Stamps.com. I know you mail things. We all know we have to mail things sometimes. Well, what if you could mail stuff…from your home? I know, sounds crazy, right? You could put postage on the package and then the carrier could just take it away. Just take it away! Imagine a world where the carrier could just take it away. Take it away! Postage! Mailing things!
ANNCR’S GIRLFRIEND (completely off-mic): Why are you talking about mailing things?
ANNCR: Because Stamps.com is one of our sponsors.
ANNCR’S GIRLFRIEND (closer to mic now): Yeah, but why can’t you just tell people to buy stuff?
ANNCR: That’s what I’m trying to do! Shut up!
ANNCR’S GIRLFRIEND (completely into the microphone now, and earsplitting): Don’t tell me to shut up! You’re the one who decided to record while I’m home in the middle of the day. You know I work nights.
ANNCR: You know I have to do this whenever I can, honey.
ANNCR’S GIRLFRIEND (off mic, fading away): Whatever.
(FOOTSTEPS walk away. A door SLAMS. A horse WHINNIES and a dog BARKS. More THUMPING noises. The dump truck is still BEEPING, by the way.)
ANNCR (on-mic): So Stamps.com is your solution. You can mail stuff from home without having to go to the post office. Just log on to Stamps.com and sign up for your free trial today. We want to thank Stamps.com for sponsoring The Typical Podcast.
(A slight electrical BUZZ begins and continues through the rest of the podcast.)
ANNCR: So, Mel Brooks is with us today. Man, let me tell you, this was one of the best interviews I’ve ever done. I mean, comedy icon Mel Brooks. MEL BROOKS, people! It’s Mel Brooks. You can’t argue with that. Mel Brooks. Mel Brooks. Mel. Brooks. But before we get to Mel, I want to tell you a story, so bear with me.
(Trash cans BANG against each other outside. Sanitation workers YELL inaudibly at something. Tires SCREECH and a sickening CRUNCH is heard.)
ANNCR (on and off-mic intermittently, randomly): The other day, I was in the drug store, and I was looking for some sinus medication. I get these sinus headaches and, let me tell ya, they’re no fun. We’re talking four-alarm headaches this big. I’m holding my hands about two feet apart now, if you need a visual aid. Anyway, I’ve had them all my life. In fact, when I saw Blazing Saddles at the Rivoli Theater in Muncie, Indiana in 1974, I had a sinus headache at the time. So I was looking for sinus meds, and I found what I wanted, but I had to get one of those little cards — you know the ones that look like the, uh, front of the package? Yeah, so I had to take that card to the pharmacy to get my meds. Now, leaving aside the fact that it’s now harder to buy Sudafed than it is to buy a shotgun, I got all the way back to the pharmacy and it was closed. Closed. CLOSED. The rolling shutters were down and there was no one who could help me.
(Crowd CHATTER grows outside, muffled and inaudible, but growing. The dump truck is still BEEPING, by the way.)
ANNCR: How am I supposed to get Sudafed with the little card if the pharmacy is closed?Mind you, this was 9 p.m. on a Wednesday. Do these people who run pharmacies think that folks don’t get sick or feel bad after a certain time of day? Where’s the convenience? Why even bother staying open 24 hours if the pharmacy isn’t open?
ANNCR’S GIRLFRIEND (off-mic but gets closer while ranting): What’s with all the rhetorical questions that have nothing to do with Mel Brooks? The iTunes description promised an interview with Mel Brooks, yet you’re talking about Sudafed over the sound of utter city chaos just outside that clearly open window? Who taught you how to record audio? A toddler?
(A car without a MUFFLER but containing a bass-heavy sound system ROARS and PULSATES by.)
ANNCR: So, Mel Brooks is today’s guest, and we’re gonna build a birdhouse together, and I assure you, this is probably the best thing to ever be recorded pretty much ever. I’m so excited for you to hear this.
(An EXPLOSION, followed by glass SHATTERING. The program cuts off. The BEEPING CONTINUES.)