Dear Chicks on the Right:

How are you? It’s so cool that you’ve landed a couple of new media gigs in Indianapolis. I’m not sure we need more right-wing talk radio–we have so much of it already–but we on the left don’t need to be jealousing about that. You’re a couple of high-energy conservative feminist gals, and I’m sure you’ve worked your hineys off to get where you are today. Good on you.

As for your philosophy of feminism: sigh. Where shall I begin?

First: It’s so great that you had responsible, loving parents who taught you The Value of a Dollar and the Protestant Work Ethic. I did, too.

But lots of kids don’t. Lots of kids have only one parent and/or bad role models. They were born poor and they grow up poor. And poor girls can have an especially hard time fitting into a society that doesn’t seem to care whether they live or die.

Especially poor women of color. Which is not the two of you. If you think your well-put-together bottle-blonde good looks have had nothing to do with the fact that you’re getting a lot of attention–well, but you know that. You see the types of women who make it on Fox News and conservative talk shows. You certainly saw the potential to carve out a niche as our own little Hoosier Ann Coulter/Monica Crowley act. (I like how you touch heads in your photo. Hot!)

Here’s the thing: I think you’re confusing “feminists” with “poor people.” Because when you’re talking about “guilt-free abortions and taxpayer-funded contraception,” I really think it’s poor people you’re talking about.

And I’m not sure how “guilt-free” got into that phrase at all. Who ever said abortion was free of guilt? Do you speak from experience? Because nearly any woman who’s had an abortion that I’ve ever spoken with–including the ones who think abortion should be safe, legal, and rare–has felt some guilt about it.

I would direct your rhetoric back at you and say you can’t have it both ways, either. If you want to talk about entitlement programs, that’s fine. But entitlement programs aren’t feminism. You’re doing what a lot of right-wing blabbers do: you’re conflating a couple of unrelated things: radical Islam/Obama, welfare mothers/crime, feminism/entitlement programs. You get the idea.

Next: the name calling. It’s unbecoming. It’s so easy to call liberal feminists “parasites” (I think you’re talking about poor women there) and “harpies” (again, you’re indulging in easy right-wing stereotyping) and set yourselves in opposition to them. But, again, you’ve had lots of advantages because of your caring parents and good looks and whatnot. When you call names, it seems especially ugly.

I think your message of “taking responsibility” is a good one. (Yay!) People should take responsibility for their lives. But if you think life is an Ayn Rand novel–well, you’re living in a bubble. It’s hard to lift yourself out of poverty. That’s why so few people succeed in doing it.

And–gosh, I hate to keep saying it, but–especially if you’re a woman of color. Recent studies say that African-American women earn 64 cents for every dollar white men earn–and Latinas make only 55 cents for every white-man dollar. That makes it even tougher to rise out of poverty.

Needless to say, being a stay-at-home mom is not a choice these women can make.

So I’m glad you’re blonde and pretty and secure and empowered and all. I’m glad you can stand on your own four stilettos. I’m glad you have a radio show.

But feminism? I don’t think you know the meaning of the word.

Happy Sunday, Chicks. See you ’round town.