This week’s listmaker: Corey Michael Dalton. Corey is the director of content development at Zucker Business Communications, a writer of fictions, and an advisory board member of the Kurt Vonnegut Memorial Library. He is also the editor of Punchnel’s upcoming Mythic Indy anthology of short stories. If you’d like to see his bare-bones website, point yourself to cmdalton.com.
Let’s face it, not every superhero can be a Batman or a Wolverine—or even a Hellboy. As a lifelong comic book fan, I’ve long known that for every one Spider-Man there are at least 10 Arm Fall Off Boys. (Seriously. That’s a real character.) So, now it’s time for the rest of you to share my pain. Here are my picks for the five lamest superheroes of all time.
5. Puck. First things first: I kind of like Puck, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t lame. After all, he has no actual superpowers, his real name is “Eugene Judd,” and his preferred method of locomotion is the cartwheel. Worst of all, because he’s a little person from Canada who wears a black unitard while he indulges in his acrobatics, he took his superhero name from a hockey puck. Somehow that manages to be offensive to both little people and Canucks. (I bet you thought his name was a Shakespearian literary allusion, didn’t you? No such luck.)
4. B’Wana Beast. Hailed as “The Jungle Master” and wearing nothing but a loincloth, some funky boots, and a helmet, this character was one of the first African-themed superheroes. Strangely, he’s white. Even stranger is his power: B’wana Beast can combine any two animals into one super creature, much like Combos combines pretzels and cheese into one delicious snack. Ever wonder what kind of helpful monster you could create by adding a grasshopper to, say, an emu? No, me neither. But B’wana Beast could do it, anyway! So there.
3. Squirrel Girl: This mutant scamp with an array of squirrel-themed powers (Bushy tail for grabbing stuff! Buck teeth for chewing wood! Tiny claws for climbing trees!) was too dorky for the X-Men, so she asked Iron Man to take her on as a sidekick instead. That… didn’t work out either. She’s currently gainfully employed as a nanny. Oh, and did I mention that she can actually speak to squirrels through a series of clicks and chirps? Yeah.
2. Matter-Eater Lad. This kid eats things. All kinds of things. Even things that are supposedly indestructible. That’s it. That’s all he can do. And to make matters worse, he comes from an entire planet of people who can do this. He’s not even special.
1. Bibleman. Although this boondoggle of a character originated in a series of straight-to-Christian-bookstores DVDs and not printed comic books, Bibleman is still a superhero, so I’m including him here. Heck, he gets the number-one spot simply because he’s a religious-themed Batman rip-off portrayed by Charles In Charge‘s Willie Aames. As a mere mortal transformed by his religious beliefs, Bibleman is crazy strong, wears “The Full Armor of God,” and fights with a lightsaber. (Paging George Lucas’s lawyers…) Bibleman’s archenemies are science and rational thought. Kidding!
Of course, just because they’re hopelessly ridiculous, each of these characters still has hundreds of fans who declare him or her a hidden gem. Well, tens of fans. Or one, very vocal Internet-savvy fan, at least.