Your basic ham devito.

Dear Brian  Jones,

Congratulations on owning a new Hollywood Café franchise! We are proud to welcome you to the Hollywood family. We were impressed with your prior background in the restaurant business and your entrepreneurial drive, and will support you every step of the way toward your future success!

If there is one thing you should remember, it’s this: there is no such thing as “your” success without “our” success. As long as people believe in the Hollywood brand, they’ll believe in YOU!  Tape this to your mirror as a daily reminder:

Your hard work + OUR brand = YOUR Hollywood Blockbuster

For your initial investment of  $   10,000   we will equip your restaurant with   1 (one)   Tastee-lite Replicator(s) and    3 (three)    celebrity cell cultures. According to our market research, ingredients sourced from the following celebrities should attract the maximum number of consumers in your area:

Danny DeVito (for subs and melts)

Kathy Lee Gifford (for salads and omelets)

David Hasselhoff (for soups and stews)

Please confirm acceptance of these selections by initialing next to each one in the enclosed franchise agreement.

As you build your restaurant, you will be given the opportunity to acquire additional celebrity cultures and expand your menu. Please do not attempt to accelerate the process by accepting samples from local celebrities. All products served at Hollywood Café franchises must be generated in our Tastee-lite Replicators from celebrity stock shipped directly from our distribution centers. We have a strict policy of serving our customers nothing less than B-list ingredients. Any infringement of this practice misrepresents the Hollywood brand and constitutes grounds for immediate dissolution of the franchise.

Successful franchises will have the opportunity to participate in exciting promotions. We are proud to announce that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have agreed to donate tissue samples, which will be merged, replicated, and distributed in time for the “Brangelina on Rye” promotion this fall. The top 50 franchises in the U.S. will be given the opportunity to participate, and all proceeds from this sandwich will go toward combating child hunger in Uganda.

Another item worth mentioning: There is no “Skid Row Skirt Steak” on our value menu. This is not an actual Hollywood Café product, but rather an appalling falsehood taken out of context from notes allegedly “leaked” from a corporate ideation session. This “documentation” is of dubious authenticity; and in any case, offering such a product would run counter to our principles. We will continue to serve our patrons only A and B-list celebrity ingredients. Your startup packet includes an affidavit attesting to the non-existence of the “Skid Row Skirt Steak,” for any patrons or protesters who may inquire.

Once again, I wish you a warm welcome to the Hollywood Café franchise family. To get started, initial, sign and return the enclosed franchise agreement. If you have any questions at all please do not hesitate to contact your regional coordinator.

Sincerely,

Nick Nickerson, AA, BA, MBA

P.S. Franchise tip of the month: Several owners have reported an increase in traffic after hiring cranky-but-loveable waitresses named Frances or Dorothy who tuck their pens into lopsided ponytails and cram their tickets into the order wheel with a certain je ne sais quoi.

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Sandwich photo by jeffreyw (America needs heroes  Uploaded by Fæ) [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons.