So the Indy Star’s Cory Faklaris got into a kerfuffle with Ohio Gov. John Kasich, whom Faklaris called out as a serial Indiana insulter. Kasich has, on a couple of occasions, suggested that Indianapolis is kind of awesome–we agree–but the rest of our state is not worth the bother.
We protest. Here are ten reasons Indiana is better than Ohio:
1. Lower prices on coffin nails. Average price of cigarettes in Indiana: $5.56. Average price in Ohio: $5.67. If you smoke a pack a day, you’d save over $40 a year buying your butts in Indiana.
2. Pigs are us. Indiana ranks sixth in the U.S. in hog production. Ohio comes in a distant ninth. If you like the smell of pig manure and you love the idea of pigs living out their lives on concrete slabs not big enough to turn around on–baby, do we have a state for you.
3. Cradle of Also-Rans. Indiana has had five Vice Presidents of the United States. Ohio? A big goose egg.
4. More of us to love. The rate of obesity in Indiana is 30.8 percent. In Ohio, it’s only 29.6 percent. Of course, Ohio’s population is larger, so they probably have more mass. Still: we’d bet on us in a tug-of-war. Or a heart attack contest.
5. We’re packing heat. In Indiana, 39.1 percent of us own guns. In Ohio, only 32.4 percent own guns. We think you know where you want to be when the zombie apocalypse happens.
6. Literary heritage. Indiana: Kurt Vonnegut, John Green, Theodore Dreiser, Booth Tarkington. Ohio: Helen Hoover Santmyer, Fredric Brown, Michael Cunningham, Rudy Wurlitzer. Ahem.
7. Available? That’s us. The latest unemployment statistics show Indiana’s unemployment rate at 8.3 percent, Ohio’s at 6.7 percent. If you have stuff you need to get done, we’ve got nothing but time.
8. Polluted water. The Ohio River is the most polluted waterway in America, based on total toxic discharges. There isn’t even an Indiana River at all–so we definitely win the “less polluted” category. Yeah, we know the Ohio River borders Indiana–but all the pollution flows down from the east.
9. Coolness. From Indiana: Steve McQueen. James Dean. John Dillinger. From Ohio: Erma Bombeck. Doris Day. Hugh Downs. Is this even a contest?
10. State flower badassness. Indiana’s state flower is the sweet-smelling, beautiful peony. Ohio’s is the scarlet carnation. We don’t care what color it is: a carnation’s a carnation, and it may be fine for button holes, but try giving a bouquet of carnations to your sweetheart and see how far it gets you. Carnations are like the cockroaches of the flower kingdom.
Please feel free to disagree–or provide other ways in which Indiana is better than Ohio.
Photo by Challiyil Eswaramangalath Vipin from Chalakudy, India (cigarette.. like a cigarette in the rain) [CC-BY-SA-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons.