Like most mothers of five, my natural state is in the fetal position – clutching a gin and tonic containing a bendy straw. I am reminded of the Chinese curse so often repeated only by mysterious non-Asian hipsters: “May you live in interesting times.”
Due to circumstances entirely within the control of the real estate industry, I am currently writing this while balancing my laptop on my actual lap on the edge of my mother-in-law’s guest bathtub.
In the interest of improving humanity and saving myself the humiliation of putting a beer cozy on a bottle of Pink Moscato before breakfast, here are five reasons I might come out from my hand towel fort today.
1. Eating Over the Sink. No, not actually eating over the sink. Everyone does that already, right? This is Samantha Bee and Allana Harkin speaking truth to power. That is, the power of a four-year-old to make you 45 minutes late for any event just by putting on socks “by mah-seff!” I fell down that Internet Hole where you read all the articles on a blog in a day. “All Mothers Are Liars” should be required reading for anyone who has ever ovulated.
2. Historically Hilarious Christmas Gifts. As the mother of four boys, I’ve found that it’s entirely possible to turn any object into a weapon–primarily by their sister. As a rule, I believe that historically cartoonish violence is preferable to the tribe shooting the loops from one of those potholder looms at my head well into October. This toy, however, may be the single most genius piece of plastic ever turned out by Fisher-Price. Yes, it’s a medieval castle, but it’s oh, so much more. Not only can you buy a (sold separately!) “bad knight” with a wolf, “good knight” with a lion, a flappy winged dragon that gets pissed and growls when you pull its wings, and an ogre that looks like a rejected extra from Magic Mike–but you can buy…wait for it…A CATAPULT.
Yes. A catapult. You know you want this. Imagine the joy as you affix polka-dot nail art decals to your freshly stripped Holiday Barbie then launch her as a small-pox infested package over the walls to break the will of the citizens inside. This was an absolutely necessary purchase. You know…for the children.
3. Nuns on the Bus. We live in times when identical twins sharing a brain can get into a fight over religion. No one agrees and it seems even two athiests could get into a fistfight over Christmas. However, these nuns are righteous, man. They are what happens when greed, know-it-alls, meanies and judgment are removed from religion. They are radically doing what that long-haired dude, what’s-his-name, yammered on about: giving to the poor, loving everyone, and forgiving people who wear white shoes after Labor Day. The Spokesnun even went on Colbert. Awesome.
|The Colbert Report||Mon – Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c|
|Radical Feminist Nuns|
4. Giant Turkey Fryer. I’ve giggled for years at the YouTube videos of people setting their carports on fire with turkey frying rigs. However, there’s nothing more American than french-frying a turkey like a giant tater tot. (All better-than-me, more educated readers can read that “American” while making mental air quotes and rolling your eyes.) Much like the outhouse moving into our hallways, geniuses have found a way to bring the fryer onto my countertop. Space-age technology seems to have eliminated the fire hazard, but we all know that anything is flammable if you’re dedicated enough. It could be especially handy if you need a large amount of boiling oil to pour over the sides of your medieval castle to fend off an army of Furbies.
5. Boycotting WebMD. Something magical happens when you reach the age of 35. Much like puberty, bodies take off on a tangent where hair sprouts from weird places, appetites of all kinds go haywire and people older than you make you tired. In the internet age, most people turn to the web for information. However, much like a curious 13-year-old, I have decided that WebMD choose-your-own-adventure is a circular game of nonsense. If I get a crick in my neck or a rough patch on my heel, somehow I always end up getting eaten by a dragon. I mean, pancreatic cancer. I don’t make resolutions, but I’m seriously considering having my husband parental block medical sites.
I hope no matter where you are or what color shoes you’re wearing that you find peace, joy, and the battering ram accessory for your castle during this holiday season.