I was calling to let you know that upon a standard drive by inspection your yard was a bit too tall and it needs to be mowed. Also if you could confirm your mobile number I would appreciate. I did leave your room mate Kate a voicemail. If you could either respond to email or call me confirming when the yard would be mowed I would appreciate it.
What I said:
Nothing. She called Kate.
What I should have said (line-by-line response; bullets are mine):
“I was calling to let you know that upon a standard drive by inspection your yard was a bit too tall and it needs to be mowed.”
- You’re not calling anyone. This is an email.
- A drive-by inspection, huh? You didn’t get out to really take in the scenery of our neighborhood? Didn’t enjoy the warmth and comfort offered by three abandoned homes that surround ours? Didn’t bother to meet the crack addict who lives down the street? Didn’t think to stop and pick up some of the dollar store trash along the curb?
- You need a comma after “that” and after “inspection.”
- “Drive-by” should be hyphenated.
- I’m not totally sure I understand how our “yard” can be “too tall.” Would that be because you couldn’t actually call it grass? It not actually being grass, and all.
- Could you define a “bit” for me, please? I can take care of a “bit” with craft scissors.
- You ought to consider a comma after “tall.”
- I’m assuming by “needs to be mowed,” you mean you’d like us to find a third lawn mower in addition to the two that have already been stolen from us at this house.
“Also if you could confirm your mobile number I would appreciate.”
- You need a comma after “Also.”
- You have provided me with nothing to confirm. Please visit the dictionary.
- I’ve forced my cell phone number onto every single person in your leasing agency. I’ve called and demanded to be called back at least 20 times in the last five months over security, lease, and payment concerns. Plus, your job depends on you collecting money from me every month. How the hell do you still not have my cell phone number? It’s the only number I have.
- You need a comma after “number.”
- You would appreciate what?
“I did leave your room mate Kate a voicemail.”
- Roommate is one word.
- Again, you need commas around Kate. She is my only roommate.
- Congratulations! If she hasn’t already done it, she’s about to verbally shred you.
“If you could either respond to email or call me confirming when the yard would be mowed I would appreciate it.”
- I would love to respond to email.
- Again, nothing to confirm.
- You need a comma after “mowed.”
- I just don’t have it in me to discuss the grammar of this sentence.
- And—as is the custom of those within your agency—I’ll respond when I find it most convenient for me. As it took your agency 18 days to schedule a contractor to fix our security lights after our home was broken into, I’d say the seriousness-equivalent of mowing our “yard” is, oh, 49 days. At which point I will no longer be under this godforsaken lease. And please, for the love of every thing in the world, use a comma.