How can I use my status as a writer to pick up women?

That’s a good question, my friend, and a sad one. The truth is, if you want to use your profession to pick up women, writing is probably not the best one to go with. It’s true that even someone who looks like, say, Stephen King, can probably get laid just because he’s, for God’s sake, Stephen King. On the flip side, there are not a lot of Stephen Kings running around in the wild. I’m guessing that you are not the second coming of Stephen King. If you want to use your profession to get laid, go to med school or learn how to count cards. Both of these activities are inherently sexy and draw women by the bucket loads. Trust me on this. I have slept with so many card sharks! But I digress.

So my first piece of advice is to do something else. That said, there are a few things you can do to increase your chances of scoring. If you’re a simple hack writer, like myself, simply do not ever mention that you’re a writer when put into a dating or picking-up-dates situation. Refer to yourself as a “content provider.” Yes, that’s painful to say and a painful way to refer to yourself, but it sounds better than writer. Writer = poor, unshaven (whether male or female), and depressed. Content provider = paycheck, ability to bullshit, and so on. And don’t go thinking of ability to bullshit as a bad thing. All it means is that you can see yourself through someone else’s eyes and act like a grownup.

Another tack is simply to choose a writing type that attracts the kind of women who want to sleep with writers. Technical writing would not be high on that list. Literary rockstar or runaway bestseller is probably not attainable. That’s why you pick something like poetry or fantasy fiction. Both of these genres also feature events (poetry readings and fantasy conventions) known for throwing crazy people with few social skills together, resulting in S.E.X. Or, you could just get an MFA.

Whatever route you take, know that your path to scoring with women who want to sleep with writers will probably involve sleeping with women who are writers. Are you ready for that? Even if you think you are, you probably shouldn’t be. Artists of any stripe should just stay away from each other, if you ask me. However, for quick sex and weird, creepy little flings they can’t be beat.

Do you use a pen or a typewriter?

How is this even a question anymore? I use a computer, for Chrissake.

 

Contact Esmeralda at dearaskahackwriter@gmail.com