I’m sorry to bother you, but I just wanted to ask for some clarification about yesterday’s performance evaluation. Specifically, I was up all night thinking about how you called me a “rock star.” I wasn’t sure what you meant by this, so I consulted Scar Tissue by Anthony Kiedis of the Red Hot Chili Peppers to better understand the term “rock star.”

Did you mean that I consistently wow everyone by exceeding expectations? Or did you mean that if I wrote my autobiography, I’d already be talking about having hepatitis C by the second page?

I’m hoping you meant that I’m the kind of rock star who was already volunteering at my father’s accounting firm when I was a kid … and not the kind of rock star who in middle school was bringing Quaaludes to school to share with friends, lost his virginity at 11 to his scuzzy father’s 18-year-old girlfriend, and snuck a lingering look at Cher naked in her bathroom.

I’m aware that health insurance premiums and absenteeism are serious concerns for businesses these days. I would like my evaluation to show that I have never jeopardized my health or productivity by:

– Injecting drugs diluted with dirty rainwater using a syringe I found on the street.

– Crushing my vertebrae by jumping from the roof of an apartment building and landing not quite in the swimming pool.

– Shattering my face after falling asleep at the wheel while drunk.

Furthermore, I consider myself a representative of my workplace both while I’m in the office and when I’m enjoying my free time. As a result, I would never have dated a 16-year-old when I was in my mid-20s, even if it was the girl from Say Anything. Nor would I ever commission a fireplace in my home in the shape of a naked woman, complete with 14-inch purple glass nipples. (I do have a fireplace, but it’s very traditional and the firewood doesn’t get inserted into anything vulgar). And I wouldn’t drive my car into oncoming traffic because I was upset about having to go to rehab, terrifying poor little Ione in the process.

In short, I don’t believe that my personality is dominated by the unceasing need for extreme experiences, the high level of risk-seeking behavior, and the childlike sense of wonder that is sometimes necessary to stoke one’s creative energy hot enough that it still has the power to spark an emotional response in audiences even when it’s divided amongst thousands of concert-goers, millions of music buyers, and hundreds of girlfriends and groupies (or thousands. One loses count, as does presumably the rock star).

As a result, I feel that the “rock star” reference diminishes, rather than enhances my performance review. If possible, I would like this removed from my records.

But I would like my job evaluation to show that I’ve completed the payroll on time for 42 months in a row, which I think is very, very gangsta.