What I should have said:

“Hmm, two transparent prescription lenses in a frame with movable arms? Let’s see here, we have…

“Two transparent nonprescription lenses in a frame with movable arms.

“Two translucent prescription lenses in a frame with movable arms.

“One transparent prescription lens and one translucent nonprescription lens in a frame with only one arm.

“Two cracked prescription lenses in a frame with crooked, yet movable arms.

“Two translucent nonprescription lenses without a frame attached to a stick by a piece of gum.

“Two transparent-y nonprescription lenses coming out of two “9’s” in a glittery 1998 frame with movable arms.

“One frame with one lens and one arm.

“One frame with no lenses, but three arms.

“One opaque lens with… nope, that’s a pog. Never mind.

“One prescription monocle with gold chain and pipe.

“One translucent prescription lens just free-floating.

“Two transparent nonprescription lenses held together by glue and a rubber band.

“Two transparent lenses, one prescription, one non, hold the mayo.

“One long translucent nonprescription lens that stretches across the head and says NASA on the back.

“The bottom of a bottle of Smirnoff Twisted Asparagus.

“No? None of those? Why don’t you describe it to me again?”

What I said: “Um, sorry, nothing here.”