It’s hard to feel bullshitty when my whole city’s aflutter. I’m shamefully late to the party. Probably the last person to get swept up in the fever. My six-year-old, who to my knowledge has never seen a full football game, asked me who I’d be voting for in the Super Bowl. Yes, I had to ask him who was playing, and yes, his verb choice incited a 20-minute civics lesson from his father, but the point here is that even in our NPR-listening, Stephen Pinker-loving, effete household of soft hands and too much expensive cheese, there is excitement. Because, people, there are zip lines. There is Ryan Gosling, sharing my sentiment about roundabouts. Madonna is gunning for greatest show on earth. There are humans all over the place, taking public transportation, making our capitol feel like a city. And it’s goddamn exciting.

Then again, Bullshitters, there are dress-pant sweatpants. And I cannot overlook this development.

I cannot overlook the fact that the Komen organization has pulled funding for mammograms from Planned Parenthood. Sure, they’ve trotted out a few flimsy defenses for the action, but it’s hard not to read it as callous disregard for life in the name of the unborn. Even the most pessimistic statistics put abortions at only 9% of Planned Parenthood’s services. Nine. Per. Cent. I want to solve their image problem. I mean, I don’t think I know a woman who hasn’t used Planned Parenthood as her primary care outstation at some point in her life. Continuing to peg the organization as an enemy of humanity is wrongheaded. And bad for women, without whom—and I may be offering a stunning revelation here—there are no fetuses.

But if you can’t make a fetus (or need to protect your assets), consider adopting your girlfriend.

You can pray on it, like our President, who got incredibly bullshitty at the National Prayer Breakfast. (Why does that exist?) Yeah, I get that the election’s coming, and America loves a Christian, but really? You base your policies on shit Jesus might have said? You pray every morning? Keep it to yourself.

Mitt Romney is Jesuslike, too. But Roseanne will save us all.

Yesterday was Groundhog Day, and although Punxsutawney Phil says more winter, four of his colleagues disagree. That’s hard to sort out. We need to ensure that schools begin adding groundhog shadow detection to the unit on atmospheric studies. And I believe that’s right around the corner, at least in Indiana. Science is different here.

But, hey—zip line! Wheeeee!

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