This installment: Vladimir Nabokov’s Lolita, for Children.

Once upon a time there was a man named Humbert, whose last name was also Humbert. He loved a girl named Annabel Leigh, but Annabel Leigh went away, and that left Humbert very, very sad.

Then one day, Humbert, whose last name was also Humbert, met a girl named Dolores, who everyone called Lolita for short. Humbert liked Lolita very, very much. So much, in fact, that he wanted to be around her all the time! So Humbert married Lolita’s mother, and together they made a family.

The family—Humbert, whose last name was also Humbert, and Lolita, and Lolita’s mother–lived happily together until…um.

You know what? The family lived happily ever after.

And don’t ever talk to anybody named Humbert Humbert. Why? Because I said so. Just don’t. Don’t.