Oh dear God, the fear.

Non-Mormons are afraid that Mitt Romney’s in a cult. Alabama was afraid that illegal immigrants might’ve slipped through the cracks, and now scared farm workers are fleeing the state. The man with the 9-9-9 plan is starting to scare Republicans—especially Bachmann, who was not afraid to utter the world’s stupidest zinger.

None of that’s registering in my hypothalamus, but that’s not because I’m brave or even disinterested. It’s because I’m consumed by more urgent fears, like spontaneous human combustion. It happened in Ireland. Or probably not. Burst into flames without warning or explanation, or burn slowly because your body fat liquefied and turned you into a human candle. Either way, that shit is scary.

Not as scary as a brain aneurysm. Those suckers are like the spontaneous human combustion of brain circulation. Only real. And they explode in your brain before you even know they’re there. This woman actually knew she had a brain aneurysm and so worried every time she bumped her head that she was going to die. Yet she put off surgery instead of putting off her wedding. So I guess fear of disappointing guests and losing deposits trumps fear of dying? We might all secretly believe we’re immortal. And overtly believe that weddings are vital to existence.

Like corn mazes, which aren’t just scary fun but super goddamn scary. I think we all see the real nightmare here: Taking care of a three-week old baby. Imagine this poor family. They’ve got the three-week old, and they’re all, “We gotta get out of this house before the kid drives us to murder-murder-suicide.” But where can you take an infant? They’re terrible human beings. Nobody wants them around. The corn maze, of course. Why not? Because it will kill you. Or at least lead you to make an embarrassing 911 call mocked around the world. Scary.

I am not scared of what the drugs might have done to me; I am scared of who I might have been without them.

But enough of terrestrial concerns. Gaze outward, pals, at the giant humanity destruction system that is outer space and feel fear. Here’s another asteroid. It is close. And it will kill you. Or . . . not. You just can’t tell with these things. But I’m going to shake in my boots over it anyway. It’s the American way.

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