After a career that’s included selling bajillions of records (and tapes and CDs and MP3s), releasing books for children and books that children would be traumatized to read, and marrying the guy from I Am Sam, it’s surprising that Madonna hasn’t yet played the Super Bowl. But now she’s finally getting the chance this season in Indianapolis, where she’ll strut her decomposing stuff as the Colts look on from somewhere in the 200 level. Though some people will complain that she’s got no business being there, there are plenty of reasons why Madonna’s a fitting addition to football’s biggest stage:

– People look at her smile and immediately think Michael Strahan.
– Anything is more family friendly than the soul-sucking vortex generated by Keith Richards’ gaze in 2006.
– Elderly enough.
– Because she has kissed a girl, and some guys who watch football have also done that.
– Remember the lion from the “Like A Virgin” video? That could totally be Matthew Stafford.
– Because R.E.M. won’t be able to make it for some reason.
– Because she puts the “ball” in Kabbalah.
– She can bring her own hands-free mic headset from home, since Indianapolis probably doesn’t have one.
– She seems pretty open to having a wardrobe malfunction.
– Because Mickey Rooney got to do it in ’87, and literally anything makes more sense than that.
– Her marriage to Guy Ritchie taught her a lot about famous footballers.
– Out of all the mononymous people who have played the show—Slash, Fergie, Usher, Prince, Diddy, Nelly, Sting, The Edge—she probably has the most football-ish biceps.
– Because she’s the logical successor to fill that Hank Williams Jr.-size hole in America’s heart.

Besides, by my count, she’ll even up the ten-year battle between Acts-Your-Dad-Has-Heard-Of and Acts-That-Make-Your-Dad-Confused, ending last year’s befuddlement over whether is a robot or not. So give her a chance! And even if you don’t like her you can always switch the channel and watch Canine-ye West bark it up on the Puppy Bowl (Also on the bill: Whitney Pooston, Smelton John, Phil Collie, Aerosniff, The Beagles, Mariah Hairy, Lionel Itchy, and the Black Eyed Pekingese).

Billboard photo by Rocco from London, UK ( [CC-BY-2.0 (], via Wikimedia Commons.

Photo on this page by Ninokol (Own work) [GFDL ( or CC-BY-SA-3.0 (], via Wikimedia Commons.