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Dear Peyton Manning: Save Yourself (And the Colts While You’re at It)

“I’m asking—no, begging—you to retire next year and become the next general manager of the Indianapolis Colts.” Matt Gonzales makes his case to Peyton Manning.

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Welcome to Your Future With Chlorolyft®

“Thin and white: for too long, that was the only answer. Then, finally, thin and tan was acceptable. Then thin and brown—but not too brown, right? Sad, but true.” New fiction by Tara Campbell.

Stopwatch

In Fifteen

“In fifteen minutes, you can get one child ready for bed if the other child, the one who drinks bath water and does the opposite of everything you ask, plays safely and happily in the tub.” Robin Beery has additional recommendations for your quarter-hours.

If Toothbrushes Could Talk

“You are six. Your life is entirely spun from riddles, or, in less poetic terms, from dumb questions, for which the answers are obvious to anyone with a few extra years of experience. But not to you, not yet.” New fiction by Faith Thomas.

Classic Review: Moby-Dick

“Moby-Dick reads like a textbook. There’s the chapter classifying the different types of whales. There’s the chapter(s) on whale anatomy. There are lots of chapters about whale oil. Moby-Dick is more manual than novel, right down to the instructional guide on turning the skin of a whale’s penis into a jacket.” Jamie Leigh reviews the classics.

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Notes on “The White Album”

“When I feel like nothing will ever be worthwhile again, I read Joan Didion’s essay ‘The White Album’ to remind myself how good something can be.” “The White Album” has become part of Michael Nagel.

January 27, 2016
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Two Poems by Isaac Williams

In this life,/I intend only to/wash my face. New poems by Isaac Williams

January 26, 2016
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Marriages Don’t Come with Michelin Stars

What I Learned About Marriage Watching Master Chef Marriage: that strange social construct which demands we love only one person for however long it takes to reach happily ever after. It goes against nature, it goes against biology. It’s downright anti-Darwinian. The idea of finding one mate who you can grow old with, have sex…

January 25, 2016
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Places I Visited in 2015

Middle aged, young, and even a few old Europeans were everywhere, generally behaving like American college students on spring break: vomiting on things, yelling, leaving piles of trash in pristine parks, randomly pretending to be DJs, and tripping me when I got off the plane.
A new Random Review by Jen Bingham

January 20, 2016
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Study Guide for The Great Gatsby

Is God a decrepit billboard? Why or why not? A new poem and/or quiz by Natalie Homer.

January 18, 2016
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ZUCKERBERG! ZUCKERBERG!

Facebook Wants You to Know It Cares

Dear “Friends”: We are thrilled to announce our latest update to our lexicon here at Facebook headquarters. As of today, the term “user” will be replaced with “person.” This may take a few moments to sink in, but you will soon begin to experience even more deeply the pleasures, mysteries, and yearnings that define the…

January 14, 2016
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Chloe

“The seventeen pounds on my diaphragm didn’t help my already poor sleep quality and for some reason, maybe a bond I think we always shared, I’m sure Chloe knew it. But her intentions were good, protective, and I think she knew that I knew this.” Nick Michalak on the strong bond with an ex’s cat.

January 13, 2016
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NatarajaElectricLights NatarajaElectricLights

Three Poems by Dan Grossman

“After swimming up / from the sea with the earth in his arms, Varaha / (a pure blueblood deus ex machina) went on / to mold the mountains and shape the continents.” Three new poems by Dan Grossman.

January 12, 2016
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A Modest Cafe in Egypt

“In Egypt there were many forms of baksheesh, but this was a new one. Pay me or I won’t stop screaming at you in a café. The waiter flicked him off with restless, impatient hands.” Andrew J. Khaled Madigan on strange encounters and unexpected joys.

January 11, 2016
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Lyricbuster: The Como Comet

“It’d have to be tiny to fit in the pocket, unless he’s donned a pair of voluminous clown pants…with lead lined pockets…that won’t alarm border security…Como the Clown with his sizzling junk and a catcher’s mitt the size of an Alsatian.” Ben Allmon busts some out-of-this-world lyrics.

January 7, 2016
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Infocom: In the Beginning, There was Zork

“In the late 1970s, computers were universally exotic. For a nine-year-old kid, any touchable computer had an appeal like that of an expensive sports car or a ring of great power.” Robin Beery on the lost magic of Infocom.

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